Kaleena Nero (kaleenass) wrote,
Kaleena Nero

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the way things are going

I'm alone
incredibly alone
though i'm almost constantly surrounded by people i'm incredibly lonely
there's no one who wants me the way that she wants him
i wanted him
but really i don't think i want him anymore
i think i'm just stupid
he lied to me
he stole from me
but at the first sign that he's in love with someone else
not even the first sign cause i've been known
i get incredible heartache
i can't stand this
i'm a good person
i work
i go to school
i'm not a troll i don't think
and yet even he said, "why aren't you with someone?"
is this God's doing?
does he think i'm not ready for a relationship
i'm not ready for someone to stand by my side
i guess i'm not
i want to destroy myself
complete destruction of myself
i want nothing more then to be nothing
there's no feeling in me now
it took me like 3 hours to cry last night
i just couldn't bring the tears forth and then when i finally did
it wasn't a soothing cry
it was a heart broken choked up crazy angry cry
it was the sobbing of someone who's never evaluated their choices and is now regretting every step that they've taken for the last 5 to 6 years
where do i go from here?
where can i go?
i could just ball up and die
continue to come to work and pretend to not feel anything
block out all emotion in fear that i'll let my heart open too much
and let my heartt be crushed again
i feel like i have nothing but that's not true
i have enough
i have enough to survive
nothing more
because i don't work for more
i'm even doubting my ability to make photography work for me now
i'm like i'm not going to make any money doing that
i need a job where i will be getting paid
and regularly
i need to beat him
i need to have a life better then his
it's a mesh of feelings in the pit of my stomach between anger, fear, jealousy and lonliness
a mash up of horrible circumstances
these feelings make me ill
and want to cry
but i can't do anything about them
i can't have these feelings
i can't continue on with these feelings for someone i told myself i never really loved
i must have really loved him at some point but everytime i get close to him i get hurt
i need to stay away from people for a while
which is hard because i need people in my life, if it's not helping me to do this, it's helping me to do that
i'm selling the grand am
for a more simple smaller more gas friendly car with hopefully less problems
I mean i'm seriously not in the mood to put money into that car just for it to die
but i guess any car could be like that
i'll just wait for my taxes
sell the red car
and get something decent
something that actually runs and doesn't overheat in two seconds
then i'll just have to get it insured and registered and shit
fuck me
i'm also not hanging with deseon for a while
i don't have to worry about not hanging with eric
but deseon i'm just going to have to phone in my relationship with him
cause every time i'm around him it's like sex sex sex
and i really can't be bothered
i really don't want him to touch me in anyway because he doesn't love me
he's never loved me and i think that's why Jerry's trying to push me off on him
he's trying to make it seem like me and deseon are an item
he doesn't want to see me alone and hurt and longing for him anymore
i don't want to be looking for him to love me
i don't want to think the only person i've ever been completely honest with and open with and loved is him
i don't want him to be the greta love of my lifetime
why? because he loved the way i looked and made love to me like i'm the most special thing in the world
i should know better
i shouldn't let sex get in the way of my thinking
he treated me horribly, so often, breaking my things, treating my things like shit, hurting me and why? because he said he loved me to much
because he cried for me
that was years ago
that was then that's not now
i can't let soemthing that happened then affect me now
i should feel nothing for him
i should be passed him and onto the next dude
but i haven't found any guys
i'm stuck with the same two dudes since high school
i need some new people in my life
some outside influence
why can't i be civil with him and keep him at an arms length from me
i need to start clubbing or something
i need to get out and shake it somewhere
i need to have fun
preferably with at least some black people
i'm sick of going places and i'm the only black person around
it's like wtf?
where are all the black people at?
I need some black influence
maybe i'll start going to like a baptist church or something
somewhere quiet, somewhere i can just go and relax and hear the word
maybe i'll learn something
maybe i'll grow up a little bit
so sell the red car get a to and fro car and keep it moving.
first i have to get the title for the red car put in my name which i think will cost me like 50 bucks so i'll do that next week
once it's in my name i'll wait till i get my tax refund then i'll fucking call someone to come pick that shit up and take it away
then i'll use all that money, which should hopefully be about at least, 1,200 - 1,500 and then go get a little beater to keep me from having to take the bus for a while, maybe fix it up a bit and enjoy driving again
i need to do something
cause right now i'm so sad and depressed i can't stay like this for much longer.
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