Kaleena Nero (kaleenass) wrote,
Kaleena Nero
kaleenass

all the stages of lose mildly completed

So as far as my horrible break up has been concerned i think im through most of the stages of it
or ive reverted back to the first stage but i think the pain of every beautiful memory is just torturing me further
first stage denial and isolation
which technically may be part of what im going through now
as i sit here in this room far from my home (not that far)
reflecting on the passed year+ wish i could either forget all of it or i dunno hope that the last two months has been some kind of terrible lie
but every lie has a hint of truth
i should just focus on not fooling myself again
i knew that i was going to cry again
and this time it really tore a hole into my heart
most guys when they hurt me i can say fuck them and keep it moving because i know deep down that they are worthless and i was lowering myself to ever be in the same room as them
they were meaningless
but now i feel sick
like everything inside of me is being ripped out forcefully and i have no control
because i did give a shit
i really did
for once
suprisingly
i guess maybe this is how i made eric and john feel
just walking away from whatever it was that we had had without getting too attached
which was super fucked up of me but sometimes you have to look back to see your mistakes
anger
well im always a bit angry at something
im angry at this situation
im angry with myself for not being ready for the commitment that i wanted from him
im angry that even tho i felt like i had tried it wasnt enough
not being enough is a hard thing to swallow
so yeah im pretty pissed off about that as well
bargaining
i think i already went through this stage several times trying to be good and work out and read that damned book, which im still trying to read and failing at everyday
eatting healthier also something im still trying to do and failing at everyday
not really im doing ok with that
but honestly part of me is mad that i even bothered to do it in the first place
yes they are goals of mine
to lose weight
to get a career
and all that shit
but i think im more mad that i put myself on someone elses time line
because when i want something i see nothing else
i focused and i tried and i failed
so i bargained and tried to bride to only fail again
depression
now thats something im awesome at
i can get low better then most people i know
i felt like shit
and i cried
oh how i cried lol
it was sad really
i wanted to destroy myself as i often want to do after failure has struck me so very hard
i dont think i could ever kill myself
thats way too drastic and permanent
alas i just wanted to fuck myself up really bad
punishment for having failed myself yet again
i punish myself in many ways
many sick ways
that if my friends knew about them they wouldnt be happy with me
take the cutting i did...and the sad thing is i dont even remember why i did it
i think i was upset that i was in a "relationship" that wasnt ever going to be correct
and instead of just ending it and freeing myself from the cycle of unhappiness i was in
i sliced into my own arm skin
which was pretty brutal
but very cleansing at the same time
the pain woke me up in ways i hadnt known before
it also made me very scared of the things i would do to hurt myself when i fail
i only did it twice and though i have thought about it since then ive never acted on those actions again.
the thing that got me the most about the second time i did it
was sitting on the edge of my bed after another unemployed day of vegging out in my room, cutting myself with a loose razor blade and watching my loving dog at the time looking up at me with this look
a "why the fuck are you doing this to yourself look" she licked my arm
and then licked the blood off the floor and pushed her big hulky body into my legs
and i began to cry
i hugged her so tight
she loved me without any thought or judgement
i think thats why when she died it really fucked with me hard
she was gone and i hadnt fully appreciated her
i think if the same thing had happened then and she hadnt been there i might have done far worse to myself
sometimes all it takes is someone telling you that youre an asshole
and that they love you
and that its not that bad
and you can regain focus
i realized that whatever that situation had been with whichever dude it was with
i realized it was really fucked up to make me feel that fucked up
so it was ended
actually it just fizzled out with me being cold and distant as i can be
which leads to acceptance
i think at some point you hit a aw fuck it moment
when your brain flips to another mode and everything that hurts, in your memories of that person and how much you loved them. It just changes to all the negative reasons it wouldnt have worked out between you anyway
and you accept these reasons and they become truth to you
you come to a point when you cant bullshit yourself anymore
and all the facts line up and all the rose rimmed bullshit you were seeing just fades to the truth
that person was not the right person for you
and if they had been the right person they would have never hurt you as badly as all this
and if you had had the self respect in the first place you probably would have realized this and told to the person to fuck off or at least had cut them from growing in your heart as anything more then just a friend
and i know i have that trouble
i form connections with people way too quickly
some people
not all people
some people, probably those who i think are nice to me and treat me well, or at least better then those who dont
the people who appear to be doing right by me
the ones who seem to care
or do care
but not enough to drown themselves into my issues
i know i have alot of shit with me
i think to much without action
i love too hard without reason
i dream too hard without reality
i live on this superficial cloud, where everything appears rosey cheery happiness and then when the cloud floats away i am thrown down to earth in this horrific tumbling roll
that i dont bounce back from

then
i brush myself off
and i make a new plan
pushing down all the previous ones
holding back all the flashes of past hopes
making myself focus on just me
what about my sorry ass future
the list is always about the same
school
career
health
love

love being last because i know that without the others i will never love myself enough to find someone who will love me truely and not half heartedly just to make me happy
i dont want to be placated
i just want the truth
and i know the truth hurts me
but id rather that then a lie
the false hope
i can make plenty of false hopes on my own
ah
and here comes the wave of writers relief
having gotten my thought out of my mind onto "paper" i can see the way i present it to others as compared to my first person truth.
my own critique
too much self loathing
too much self pity
too much making myself look like some kind of victim
i am the master of my fate and every decision that ive made has led me to this exact point
and every decision i make from this point on will be my own to what benefits me the most
i will succeed in my pursuit if only to prove myself and doubters wrong
if only to show people that i can be serious too
and get shit done
you know what
fuck that
i dont have to prove shit to anyone
i know what i can and will do
i just secretly hope that when my star is shooting up into the sky it burns their eyes
and they have to live with the blindness of what the didnt see in me
^_^
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