Kaleena Nero (kaleenass) wrote,
Kaleena Nero

  • Mood:

it hurts

im sitting here in my room at 6 oclock in the morning, in mourning
of my relationship
with someone i wanted to be with
some who while sometimes did things that severly annoyed me i still wanted to be with for a long time
my heart is broken
i didnt cry long but it was from somewhere deep inside of me that i havent allow to cry over anyone else since roxie passed
just the thought of not being able to be with him is killing me
the thought of him touching me makes me not want anyone else to do so
i just want his arms wrapped around me
i just want him to be proud of me
but thats not going to happen
i doubt ill ever be able to lose this weight
i joined weight watchers hoping to...i dunno
break myself of old habits
finally jump start my weight lose since going to the gym hasnt done jack diddly shit bricks
but now even that seems lacking in it needs to be
im never going to be thin
im never going to be the type of person he wants to marry
ill never make a man really happy with me
my heart races till i feel like it might faintly stop
my eyes burn with more tears
my life is so fucked up
so fucked
he talked about his goals...i have goals for my life
i want a husband
i want a house and a nice car and a good career making enough money to be able to retire with.
who the fuck doesnt want those things.
i want to be with someone stable
someone who loves me
he was unhappy with me
i wasnt his goal
i cant be his wife
i dont want to be with anyone else
so ive decided to just focus on trying to learn this a+ stuff so that i can at least get a decent enough job that he couldnt say it was because of that anymore
so that i can move out and make my own way in the world
then what? im supposed to lose almost half of my body weight? thats impossible for me
i dunno what to eat
i dont cook
i exercise minimally
weight lose is like an impossible challenge i cant meet
so im in friend mode with someone i once loved
someone whose touch makes me shiver
who i long to see everyday
who my eyes are now blurring from.
i dont think anything else will make me happy.
he's been the best boyfriend ive ever had
and it sucks that im just not good enough
and no matter how hard i try i probably will never be good enough.
i dont want to feel anymore
i just want to lay here and fall into a coma
and have no pain or torment or feelings
just silence and dreams
happy dreams of what i wanted from us.
i should go for a walk now to clear my head but instead imma take some benedryl for my allergies and try to force myself back into bed.
and stop feeling
and start dreaming
and a part of me wishes that i dont have to wake up in this much pain.
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