Kaleena Nero (kaleenass) wrote,
Kaleena Nero
kaleenass

time to be

Ive met a dude
a nice dude
a working dude
a hardworking dude
a caring dude
ive become already kind of attached
which is bad, because at any moment i could get hurt
i know that if this does work out then that feeling will disappear over time
but it's happened so many times
over and over i get hurt
mom explained it as me always going into every situations wanting the best result, already seeing the goal in hand, which is why i'm always disappointed and unmotivated when its time to set out on another goal
he seems good for me
surprisingly good
uncharacteristically good
he's got a career
he's got a truck...albeit its a beater, still he's doing his damn thing
he's got his own place, and mind you a fairly nice place for a young black male living single on long island.
he asked me if i had ever dated a dude with a career...and it really didnt take me that long to realize no...no ive always involved myself with dudes, no matter the age, ethnicity, mental plight, with dudes who have not been on the up and up with work
or on the up and up with having their own place
or on the up and up with being sane lol
chris was i guess, but he was a narcissist
and i couldnt stand him
he makes me want to try harder for myself
being a dude only a couple years older then myself
he's significantly more mature then me
in some ways lol
whereas im worse off then i was 5 years ago
knowing him ive realized alot of things about myself and my choices and actions
ive realized im more comfortable giving up the goods then trying to give up my heart
ive realized i tend to date bums
ive realized i havent had a car in 3 years
ive realized ive been hiding behind the shield of my parents for too long
ive realized im not a complete human being
he's already been helping me to find a training school for the school bus endorsement
we went for a walk last night because i want to start getting into some kind of healthy state after all these years of laziness
danielle and rita dont approve
but veronica had good things to say
she seems to think he could be a good match for me
which would be super nice
because he comes off as a gentleman
but i am scared because it has been happening incredibly fast
my family hasnt met him yet and mom basically said id have to wait for at least a month before i introduce him to her out of concern that it wont work out and will burn up very soon
im so unstable when it comes to men that it's all kind of a messed up blur.
i wish i could just open up my heart as easily as phil seems to be
if it's real and not some kind of crazy psychotic lie
i would be really happy
if he's telling the truth about the whole having only dated one chick before...i guess he would be very open with his feelings and stuff, having never had someone tell him that his feelings were meaningless because they didnt make someone love him any better or more
michael apparently is upset that he has not been introduced to phil tho i guess...i shouldnt be surprised.
tho i still am surprised, so the next time phil comes by and michael is home ill have to introduce them...yay.
buffalo school called me again
i have to send them my official trans and an absence from school essay thing about why ive been outta school for so long
but now im not even sure if i want to go there
i might just go to farmingdale and take some basic courses till i get up the balls to go all the way to buffalo
but that would mean i have to call this lady i guess tomorrow or friday and find out if i can just reapply for a liberal arts major or what id have to do to just take some classes...should be too hard right? i dunno...
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