Kaleena Nero (kaleenass) wrote,
Kaleena Nero

  • Mood:

warm trickle

happiness is without
i know it's coming but i am not compelled to stop it
I can feel the hatred spread down the back of my skull
into my thoughts
into my actions
i go find my weapon of choice
thin, sliver of metal that had another purpose
it's nothingness in relative to the world is everything to me
and reflects my own self worth
i can't tear my sins from my flesh
i can't break away from my patterns
skin cleaves once again right near where it had
the scars from before just watch on as their cousins are sprung
at first just imprints on the surface
then a thin red line
then little bubbling drops fill the lines and slide gently out and down the arm
the pain is sufficient to wake me up out of my coma
the thoughtlessness of myself
enough to keep me from going further
but not enough to make me stop
or stop thinking about doing it harder, faster, deeper
deep enough to make it bleed and never stop
deep enough to effect me forever
is this the only way to change myself? because it's the most direct?
it's the easiest?
The pain does cause me to tear up, which in turn makes me cry
with a warm trickle of a line running down my arm
into a drop and onto the floor
This is ridiculous
there is no meaning in hurting oneself but i have nothing else
I have no meaning, no drive, no goals, just to live?
work to live? for what?
i can drink myself happy and die
i can smoke myself happy and die
i can eat myself happy and die
i can kill myself happy and feel nothing but the pain and have nothing but the scars of my failed attempts at hurting myself, at my own fear which keeps me from doing anything in this sad pathetic life
this sad excuse of functioning
i want for nothing now
but to sleep and not wake up
to turn into dust on my bed and feel no pain anymore
nor happiness
Is happiness worth the pain of lose after?
Can i even be happy anymore?
I want to make myself happy, i want to make those fantasy dreams i call my desires come true
but without motivation dreams are rainbows, visual, colorful circles, that can never be touched
make everything silent
make everything still
this beating heart and all the thoughts within me
beat it from my hands and drag this body away
put it in a box and put it in the ground
at least then it'll be doing something
fertilizer for the world
then maybe i can come back as a tree
and have a purpose
and a reason
to be alive
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