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The Life of the Unhumble

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30th September 2011

1:23pm: dizzy
its rare that i get this feeling
but im beginning to feel really sick
i think ive upset myself so much emotionally that physcially im getting run down
my heart is racing
my stomach feels quizy
my head feels airy
i feel like i could be hungry if i wasnt completely disgusted by the idea of putting food into my gaping mouth hole
im exhausted
like completely tired
i dunno what to do
i really feel just through
like done with everything
i think that maybe its broken heart syndrome
or some form of depression
or maybe im pregnant
hey a girl can dream
i doubt that last one though
its probably a stomach thing from the people at my job
they all seem to be incredibly full of germs lol

17th June 2011

9:32pm: all the stages of lose mildly completed
So as far as my horrible break up has been concerned i think im through most of the stages of it
or ive reverted back to the first stage but i think the pain of every beautiful memory is just torturing me further
first stage denial and isolation
which technically may be part of what im going through now
as i sit here in this room far from my home (not that far)
reflecting on the passed year+ wish i could either forget all of it or i dunno hope that the last two months has been some kind of terrible lie
but every lie has a hint of truth
i should just focus on not fooling myself again
i knew that i was going to cry again
and this time it really tore a hole into my heart
most guys when they hurt me i can say fuck them and keep it moving because i know deep down that they are worthless and i was lowering myself to ever be in the same room as them
they were meaningless
but now i feel sick
like everything inside of me is being ripped out forcefully and i have no control
because i did give a shit
i really did
for once
suprisingly
i guess maybe this is how i made eric and john feel
just walking away from whatever it was that we had had without getting too attached
which was super fucked up of me but sometimes you have to look back to see your mistakes
anger
well im always a bit angry at something
im angry at this situation
im angry with myself for not being ready for the commitment that i wanted from him
im angry that even tho i felt like i had tried it wasnt enough
not being enough is a hard thing to swallow
so yeah im pretty pissed off about that as well
bargaining
i think i already went through this stage several times trying to be good and work out and read that damned book, which im still trying to read and failing at everyday
eatting healthier also something im still trying to do and failing at everyday
not really im doing ok with that
but honestly part of me is mad that i even bothered to do it in the first place
yes they are goals of mine
to lose weight
to get a career
and all that shit
but i think im more mad that i put myself on someone elses time line
because when i want something i see nothing else
i focused and i tried and i failed
so i bargained and tried to bride to only fail again
depression
now thats something im awesome at
i can get low better then most people i know
i felt like shit
and i cried
oh how i cried lol
it was sad really
i wanted to destroy myself as i often want to do after failure has struck me so very hard
i dont think i could ever kill myself
thats way too drastic and permanent
alas i just wanted to fuck myself up really bad
punishment for having failed myself yet again
i punish myself in many ways
many sick ways
that if my friends knew about them they wouldnt be happy with me
take the cutting i did...and the sad thing is i dont even remember why i did it
i think i was upset that i was in a "relationship" that wasnt ever going to be correct
and instead of just ending it and freeing myself from the cycle of unhappiness i was in
i sliced into my own arm skin
which was pretty brutal
but very cleansing at the same time
the pain woke me up in ways i hadnt known before
it also made me very scared of the things i would do to hurt myself when i fail
i only did it twice and though i have thought about it since then ive never acted on those actions again.
the thing that got me the most about the second time i did it
was sitting on the edge of my bed after another unemployed day of vegging out in my room, cutting myself with a loose razor blade and watching my loving dog at the time looking up at me with this look
a "why the fuck are you doing this to yourself look" she licked my arm
and then licked the blood off the floor and pushed her big hulky body into my legs
and i began to cry
i hugged her so tight
she loved me without any thought or judgement
i think thats why when she died it really fucked with me hard
she was gone and i hadnt fully appreciated her
i think if the same thing had happened then and she hadnt been there i might have done far worse to myself
sometimes all it takes is someone telling you that youre an asshole
and that they love you
and that its not that bad
and you can regain focus
i realized that whatever that situation had been with whichever dude it was with
i realized it was really fucked up to make me feel that fucked up
so it was ended
actually it just fizzled out with me being cold and distant as i can be
which leads to acceptance
i think at some point you hit a aw fuck it moment
when your brain flips to another mode and everything that hurts, in your memories of that person and how much you loved them. It just changes to all the negative reasons it wouldnt have worked out between you anyway
and you accept these reasons and they become truth to you
you come to a point when you cant bullshit yourself anymore
and all the facts line up and all the rose rimmed bullshit you were seeing just fades to the truth
that person was not the right person for you
and if they had been the right person they would have never hurt you as badly as all this
and if you had had the self respect in the first place you probably would have realized this and told to the person to fuck off or at least had cut them from growing in your heart as anything more then just a friend
and i know i have that trouble
i form connections with people way too quickly
some people
not all people
some people, probably those who i think are nice to me and treat me well, or at least better then those who dont
the people who appear to be doing right by me
the ones who seem to care
or do care
but not enough to drown themselves into my issues
i know i have alot of shit with me
i think to much without action
i love too hard without reason
i dream too hard without reality
i live on this superficial cloud, where everything appears rosey cheery happiness and then when the cloud floats away i am thrown down to earth in this horrific tumbling roll
that i dont bounce back from

then
i brush myself off
and i make a new plan
pushing down all the previous ones
holding back all the flashes of past hopes
making myself focus on just me
what about my sorry ass future
the list is always about the same
school
career
health
love

love being last because i know that without the others i will never love myself enough to find someone who will love me truely and not half heartedly just to make me happy
i dont want to be placated
i just want the truth
and i know the truth hurts me
but id rather that then a lie
the false hope
i can make plenty of false hopes on my own
ah
and here comes the wave of writers relief
having gotten my thought out of my mind onto "paper" i can see the way i present it to others as compared to my first person truth.
my own critique
too much self loathing
too much self pity
too much making myself look like some kind of victim
i am the master of my fate and every decision that ive made has led me to this exact point
and every decision i make from this point on will be my own to what benefits me the most
i will succeed in my pursuit if only to prove myself and doubters wrong
if only to show people that i can be serious too
and get shit done
you know what
fuck that
i dont have to prove shit to anyone
i know what i can and will do
i just secretly hope that when my star is shooting up into the sky it burns their eyes
and they have to live with the blindness of what the didnt see in me
^_^

8th April 2011

12:28pm: struggling with you
ive realized that i would rather be struggling with you then without you.
i understand that the benefits of my struggle are really only bebenfitting me but i still want you, in the back of my mind i do this for you
i want you to be proud of me
so that i can feel proud of myself
it might be sick it might be a problem but in my world you are all that makes me happy
all that makes me sad
you are everything to me
it sucks ass
but
imma deal
and imma work on being able to bring things to the table so that you'll sit across from me at that same table
so we can do what i never dreamed possible
Lord please give me the strength to not lose my love.

31st March 2011

10:03pm: realization
today ive come to the realization that i might not want to be with someone who doesnt want to fight with me and who wont love me unconditionally.
how can i give my love to him without thought
without reserve
and he just doesnt act like he cares
"do you think i like doing this to you?"
"yes, yes i do"
i know i have is thaqtues but if you really believe that i can do the things that you seem to think i can
that i can be this person you want to be with then why cant we do that together
why cant you help me while standing besides me.
why do you have to push me away to tell me i need to do better for myself
that just tells me that the feelings that i have for you
arent mutual
i would love you if you were broke
i would love you rich
i would love you sick or healthy
it doesnt matter
but me
i need to be perfect
i need to be an improved version of myself
thinner
getting paid more
successful
for sickness and in health....we're not married but if we were
you would fail me
and id end up alone any time that i faltered
that seems like a risky investment

27th March 2011

6:40am: it hurts
im sitting here in my room at 6 oclock in the morning, in mourning
of my relationship
with someone i wanted to be with
some who while sometimes did things that severly annoyed me i still wanted to be with for a long time
my heart is broken
i didnt cry long but it was from somewhere deep inside of me that i havent allow to cry over anyone else since roxie passed
just the thought of not being able to be with him is killing me
the thought of him touching me makes me not want anyone else to do so
i just want his arms wrapped around me
i just want him to be proud of me
but thats not going to happen
i doubt ill ever be able to lose this weight
i joined weight watchers hoping to...i dunno
break myself of old habits
finally jump start my weight lose since going to the gym hasnt done jack diddly shit bricks
but now even that seems lacking in it needs to be
im never going to be thin
im never going to be the type of person he wants to marry
ill never make a man really happy with me
my heart races till i feel like it might faintly stop
my eyes burn with more tears
my life is so fucked up
so fucked
he talked about his goals...i have goals for my life
i want a husband
i want a house and a nice car and a good career making enough money to be able to retire with.
who the fuck doesnt want those things.
i want to be with someone stable
someone who loves me
he was unhappy with me
i wasnt his goal
i cant be his wife
i dont want to be with anyone else
so ive decided to just focus on trying to learn this a+ stuff so that i can at least get a decent enough job that he couldnt say it was because of that anymore
so that i can move out and make my own way in the world
then what? im supposed to lose almost half of my body weight? thats impossible for me
i dunno what to eat
i dont cook
i exercise minimally
weight lose is like an impossible challenge i cant meet
so im in friend mode with someone i once loved
someone whose touch makes me shiver
who i long to see everyday
who my eyes are now blurring from.
i dont think anything else will make me happy.
he's been the best boyfriend ive ever had
and it sucks that im just not good enough
and no matter how hard i try i probably will never be good enough.
i dont want to feel anymore
i just want to lay here and fall into a coma
and have no pain or torment or feelings
just silence and dreams
happy dreams of what i wanted from us.
i should go for a walk now to clear my head but instead imma take some benedryl for my allergies and try to force myself back into bed.
and stop feeling
and start dreaming
and a part of me wishes that i dont have to wake up in this much pain.
Current Mood: sad

15th January 2011

10:18pm: awful
seriously has been one of the most awful weeks on record...for many reasons but whaeva
i dont want to lose the one man ive been dreaming about since forever
he makes me a better person
he makes me happy
he makes me sing
but i cant be with him
he doesnt want me
he doesnt love me
for all the things that we've been through and all the things i thought he wanted of me
he doesnt want me
he loves this image
this thing that he wants
and im not it
i dunno if i can ever be it
or if it is even possible
no one is fucking perfect
but i thought we were about as perfect for each other as two people could be
he...broke my heart
but maybe i was wrong for voicing my opinion
maybe i was wrong for thinking it was love when it was just him being nice
maybe ive been so fucked up in this game for so long that someone acting on my benefit
doing things for my and acting the way he did
maybe i thought that was love
maybe i have no fucking clue what love is
i made a mistake
and i cant take it back even if i try to explain
he wants something more then anything
more then everything
i dont want to complicate him or make his life more difficult
i just want to be with him
and i guess if that means just being friends with him and appreciating what he does for me without that emotional attachment then fine
imma just have to do that
imma just have to deal with this new plan
until i can find someone who will just love me for me
someone who will be like him in all the ways except a couple
but those are the most important things for me
and now to get drunk
Current Mood: lonely

4th September 2010

6:09pm: royally boned until sometime hopefully right after the 15th.
so yeah this getting paid not every exact two weeks but the 15th and the 30th depending on if these days fall on a weekend or not, is really fucking with me. so i have about 100 bucks to last me to the 15th. which is a work week and a half away. Mind you the car takes about 50 bucks in gas a week and the brakes have just exploded into balls of heated brakey flames. I'm so very uninterested in this car right now. Im so angry! but its my own fault for not being successful and being able to afford a new car like a normal person. I hate this car. everytime i try to like it, it finds a new way to make me completely not trust it at all. I dunno what to do. I kind of just want to give the car back to phil, but seeing as how i dont have the new title yet and i just started with this new insurance that seems a bit rash. I smell like brake fumes. It's making me a bit sick. Smells so bad. and the car was smoking like it was gunna burst into flames...but once again its my own fault for taking this damn car. I should have just let phil drive it like it had been intended. I dont even really like this car. Im just so through. Michael's bday is before i get paid, my hair needs a touch up, mom's getting on me about the damn 25 bucks she wants a week from me. And i dont even think imma have enough money to make it to the end of this upcoming week. I have to figure out a more effective way of planning out this 15th and 30th bullshit...it would be a shitton easier to just do it every two mofo weeks, the way they do things sometimes seems to backwards to me. But who am i to say anything it's not Kaleena Time, it's let me shut up, work and get paid and hopefully not kill myself in the process of doing so Time. Once i feel like the brakes have cooled off enough i will take a look at them and try to see how very fucked up they must me cuz that shit was not riding normally at all.
thats all i cant do
hopefully that wont require any extra equipment or training or money cuz i have none.
my terrariums are looking good tho...so thats something

1st September 2010

7:28pm: dunno why this feels this way
im happy, very happy
this strange mood thats hanging over me is just splendid
how can i be so happy with him?
this is really gunna hurt when it ends.
thats all i keep thinking about
how much its gunna burn, sting, ache, kill me when he decides to move on
im an awful gf ive told men over and over
shown all the signs of awfulness
im not the dateable kind
but they keep mixing me up with them
and then find out the truth
that im a bad person
with no real connection to most people or things
ive been so used to being used and treated so badly i hesitate whenever anything good happens
im so scared
constantly scared
of my own happiness
of change
sometimes i really fear nothing with change ever except my age and my hatred for my own life...i hate my life...i hate the way i deal with my life...it'll all end eventually
it'll end and i will be disappointed
the end

22nd June 2010

10:48pm: cdl
so yeah hazmat test friday, still gotta study
Phil made me pigs in a blanket last night...oh my goodness awesome.
he totally understands that i dont cook and he's ok with that
so sweet
cant wait till i get this money in and move out
start investing that shit into a nice house
it'll be banging
sometimes it takes a couple missteps for me to really get shit in order
but im a stubborn fucking person
gotta get looking for a decent v, get college funds allocated and get these other endorsements so i can add to my funds
it's so nice learning all this financial shit from someone already set in their shit
i need more mentors in my life
having grown up with no male figure in the home has stunted me something awful
also having an overbearing overly supportive to the point of enabling mother didnt help either
Seeing Phil doing his damn thing makes me wanna try a lil bit harder, i guess to prove something to myself
i dont always have to be such a lazy fuck
so i just wont be

21st June 2010

12:23pm: user
Done. Back to work. Finally. Capitalizing on this exact moment. Losing all time restraints. I'm sorry. And that's all i can really be or do.

16th June 2010

6:29pm: focus on that
so three tiers of focus for right now

school
which im working on one step at a time
right now it's about transcripts
i have to get my suffolk and stony brook official transcripts to Farmingdale
25 bucks for stony brook, and 5 bucks for suffolk county community college
after that i have to call the director of the department and discuss a plan of action for the fall.

Work
while i love my job for it's lack of pressing issues, the pay is just unacceptable any effing more. ive been putting off getting my hazmat endorsement for a year pretty much. ive seen way too many jobs that i probably would qualify for that i couldnt apply for because i havent gotten it. thats
test 5 dollars
background check and finger printing 150 dollars

car
i need a v. im tired of this bullshit with the jeep and people holding this over me. im really sick of it. i want to have a bit of my freedom back. ive been so home kept and not even trying to get away, but im tired of it, especially after chilling with someone of my age range who is doing for themselves. i need a car, and soon.

26th May 2010

7:15pm: time to be
Ive met a dude
a nice dude
a working dude
a hardworking dude
a caring dude
ive become already kind of attached
which is bad, because at any moment i could get hurt
i know that if this does work out then that feeling will disappear over time
but it's happened so many times
over and over i get hurt
mom explained it as me always going into every situations wanting the best result, already seeing the goal in hand, which is why i'm always disappointed and unmotivated when its time to set out on another goal
he seems good for me
surprisingly good
uncharacteristically good
he's got a career
he's got a truck...albeit its a beater, still he's doing his damn thing
he's got his own place, and mind you a fairly nice place for a young black male living single on long island.
he asked me if i had ever dated a dude with a career...and it really didnt take me that long to realize no...no ive always involved myself with dudes, no matter the age, ethnicity, mental plight, with dudes who have not been on the up and up with work
or on the up and up with having their own place
or on the up and up with being sane lol
chris was i guess, but he was a narcissist
and i couldnt stand him
he makes me want to try harder for myself
being a dude only a couple years older then myself
he's significantly more mature then me
in some ways lol
whereas im worse off then i was 5 years ago
knowing him ive realized alot of things about myself and my choices and actions
ive realized im more comfortable giving up the goods then trying to give up my heart
ive realized i tend to date bums
ive realized i havent had a car in 3 years
ive realized ive been hiding behind the shield of my parents for too long
ive realized im not a complete human being
he's already been helping me to find a training school for the school bus endorsement
we went for a walk last night because i want to start getting into some kind of healthy state after all these years of laziness
danielle and rita dont approve
but veronica had good things to say
she seems to think he could be a good match for me
which would be super nice
because he comes off as a gentleman
but i am scared because it has been happening incredibly fast
my family hasnt met him yet and mom basically said id have to wait for at least a month before i introduce him to her out of concern that it wont work out and will burn up very soon
im so unstable when it comes to men that it's all kind of a messed up blur.
i wish i could just open up my heart as easily as phil seems to be
if it's real and not some kind of crazy psychotic lie
i would be really happy
if he's telling the truth about the whole having only dated one chick before...i guess he would be very open with his feelings and stuff, having never had someone tell him that his feelings were meaningless because they didnt make someone love him any better or more
michael apparently is upset that he has not been introduced to phil tho i guess...i shouldnt be surprised.
tho i still am surprised, so the next time phil comes by and michael is home ill have to introduce them...yay.
buffalo school called me again
i have to send them my official trans and an absence from school essay thing about why ive been outta school for so long
but now im not even sure if i want to go there
i might just go to farmingdale and take some basic courses till i get up the balls to go all the way to buffalo
but that would mean i have to call this lady i guess tomorrow or friday and find out if i can just reapply for a liberal arts major or what id have to do to just take some classes...should be too hard right? i dunno...

20th January 2010

12:00pm: two weird dreams last night
the first dream i was kidnapped but this dude at gun point and forced to be his wife, tho he drugged me and kept me locked up at all times, eventually he ended up shooting me and it hit me in the neck, at which time he tried to make it seem like i had drowned by putting me in the bathtub so that he could then dump me in the ocean right near his house. But i escaped and a good samaritan picked me up off the side of the road. It was strange because im kind of afraid it might actually happen.
the second dream i was making out with this british twat of a man, who reminded me of a better looking russel brand...and i guess it was supposed to be him because of the way he was talking and he was being all mean to me and stuff. So at some point i had something stuck in my throat and it was string so i pulled it out and there was more, the more i talked to this due the more string came outta my mouth. Then i woke up. and last night i had some kinda weird dream i dont remember but suddenly i heard a male voice i didnt recognize say hello
my usually reaction would be to say hello back but i couldnt, i was frozen in fear, because i have heardmany places that if you acknowledge something like that that itll come and get you. I was afraid of what it might be so i just laid there waiting for another noise butthere was none, just silence. So i dunno, ghosts are looking for me again. blah

22nd September 2009

11:03pm: love doesnt seem to want to live here all the time...more like a time share
so what is this
i couldnt tell u
he knows exactly how i feel which is unnerving but at the same time he told me he isnt going to mess with anyone else
so its monogamous at least
which is a start
tho a start to what im still not sure
like how im not sure if he said we were a couple the other night when he hinted to a couple of things
so i just let it slide the way i always do with him
cuz i like him alot and because he owns me
sometimes
im still a cat by the way and cats move in different directions all at once
sometimes wanting affection and sometimes shunning it and running away
i dont want to push anything but i guess i have anyway which is fine
i dont care
cuz if it scares him away that hes too much of a pussy for me anyway
plus the fact that im falling behind with myself anyway doesnt make me happy so i dont care
i need a car well not really my job wont allow for it considering how i take the train into work everyday anyway
i should just get my own place
but do u know how much that would cost
HAHAHAH alot
fucking ny
only way i could live away from home would be in a shitty room or with someone else in a shitty place
plus i want to have like a set job before i do that anyway
signing up for laser
signing up for the gym with rita
and buying bras and my costume this week
all i can think of for right now

10th August 2009

11:49pm: fruit
im just effing peachy
work tomorrow

14th January 2009

1:58pm: how could this be?
How could this be this intense depression that has snuck up on me like it has no sense
my head spins with all the evils that will be and all the lack of confidence that i always face in these situations
i feel like i'm going to cry like every inch of my body is shrinking
it's an intense pain that is taking over my body
everything sucks right now
im getting tired again and willess
like it doesnt matter what i do i'm not going to get anything done
i have to fill out these applicatins but i haevnt doen anything all day today
i have to have at least 2 job interviews set up for when i get home.....
which sucks because i havent set anything up yet...i just dont really want to do anything
i want to go to my room and lay still for the whole night and then sleep some more
why is it like this...am i catching the winter time blues? this always happens
fuck
FUCK
i want to cry but the ability escapes me in front of all these people
so instead i wish to just leave
if i could just leave from here tomorrow i would be good as hell
it'll get better
i will get better
i have to stop freaking out
i have to be still my heart

23rd July 2008

12:05am: trading off
just like most things in my life there is a fair amount of trade or karma involved
whenever something horrible happens something good happens
and whenever something good happens something not so good happens
im finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for the job corp thing
finally going to be going soon
but....
im not going into the program that i wanted
which im going to let go
cuz maybe it just isnt fated to happen that way
im not fated to be an artist tho i do enjoy it i need a job that will actually pay
because no one cares about ur happiness
photography doesnt drive me everyday
if it did then i would work towards it full force
but its not and it hasnt so im not going to push it
i love it
i will continue to do it
but i think
im just going to go find something i can stand and do it
and then once i get some money under my belt
ill finish school
and then i dunno....maybe open my own business
probably not lol
i dont want to fantasize about this grand life that ill never have
i have to work hard for now and take it one step at a time
because right now im failing
no matter what is around i am failing
and no matter all the potential people see in my i dont see anything for myself in my future
so fuck it
just going to put my head down and trudge ahead in whaeva path God sees fit to through in my way
im not creative enough for photography
im not going to push any boundaries
but i will continue to do it for my patience and mindset
soon i will be gone
and hopefully meet some good people
or at least meet up with myself
and find a way to make me a better person

17th June 2008

2:32pm: Maine
woot
i'll be going to Maine soon, which i know doesnt seem incredibly exciting
but it is
starting a new life
doing new things hopefully better things learning new things
i cant wait for the challenge
sick of the same old same old
cant wait to go out there,meet new people
hahahaha
or maybe its just that i've been bored for too long
decided to keep the car,So that by the time i leave and get that money from them and whaeva other money i save up if i get a chance to get to working up there i'll be able to get the car fixed and running smooth enough to get me to and from a job, wherever it might be.
Tammy helped me out lovely and got me into Maine
i remembered to thank her
which i sometimes forget to do
unfortunately that means imma only have my stimulus check to get me over till i either find a part time job up there or i finish
meaning i have to get all my supplies
jeans
hair done
and there was something else......
with the 600 i get
but considering how i kept my hair in these braids for like 3 months....maybe 4 i should be good when i go there for at least 3 or 4 months with my hair.....and if i leave before summer ends then by the time winter vacation comes along i should be able to come back and get my hair done and then go back up for a while
someone was saying that they are diverse up there in maine but i'll see when i get there
wootie woot! out
ooo and expect massive amounts of pictures

13th June 2008

5:00pm: confused
i am lost again
afraid to take a step forward
feeling like i might be stepping back a bit
sometimes u have to to see everything
i actually prayed yesterday
and its been a minute
i've asked God for some direction
but i think right now it's nothing
nothing in the future
its like i've realized i'm going to die
months before its supposed to happen
and everything is out of wack now cause of it
cant get a loan
but bright side ill be able to apply for fafsa alone soon
hopefully they give me some money woot!
probably not
my grades have been shit since forever
thinking about job corp and havent heard one good story about it
NOT ONE
well one but not like the whole story
i cant be so blind
i have to lookto the sides as well as forward
but nothing seems like it makes sense
i'm going soemwhere soon
no matter the idea or place
no matter the function
my head is too much in a rutt
it's rotting and soon will be gone
im nto even sure if i want to do photographya nymore
havent picked up my camera in a week or so
thats not how photographers should behave
real artists live for their art
i live for another day
of sleeping anime tv and nothingness
without
soon even more without
ha
not really
it doesnt matter
fuck it
maybe its the heat
the summer
the darkness in my room
the lack of iron
the lack of love for self and for God and for everything
nothing makes me happy anymore
nothing in my life
everything is like fuck it
damned
doesnt apply to this life
fucking fuck
i was so optimistic yesterday
and today down to the depths again
imma haev to call tammy next week and find out if i can change my fucking place
i want graphic design and website design
thats my fucking dream and if i cant do it fuck it then
i guess it wasnt meant to be
and i wont push it
fuck i want to cry and just crawl up in a ball in my room and die
but i guess thats no possible
done

19th April 2008

7:33am: i didn't actually leave the room
baronny: so w are u from pretty
kaleena127: ny
baronny: so what is ur name pretty
kaleena127: Kaleena
baronny: u have a nice name
baronny: well i am call emmanuel
kaleena127: where r u from?
baronny: i am fron ghana in west frica
kaleena127: wow
kaleena127: thats far
baronny: so have u hear about ghan before
baronny: so have u hear about ghana before
kaleena127: yeah
baronny: so far what precious thing did u hear from ghana
kaleena127: ...something about soccer
kaleena127: i think
baronny: oh i love that
baronny: we have score u american in soccer
kaleena127: what?
baronny: and u know that it is just a game of chance win or lose
baronny: in the world cup
kaleena127: oh?
baronny: so do u like soccer
kaleena127: it's a cool sport
baronny: welli guess that too
baronny: so tell are u single lady
kaleena127: yes
baronny: oh are u telling me the truth about ur self
baronny: cos i am really serious about what i am saying
kaleena127: hmmm....i'm 22, live in ny, have a dog, broken car and alot
of free time lol, oh and am really into anime
baronny: ok well so sound good
baronny: so as u see my pic how do i look like did i resemble u as ur
good husband for the future to come cos u are so cute and i do not
know that to say
kaleena127: how old r u?
baronny: cos when u respon to me i feel that my life is complete
baronny: i am 22 as u are
kaleena127: oh really?
baronny: yes
baronny: i am sure
baronny: and i do no tell lie
kaleena127: hahaha you seem nice
baronny: i really need u to be with me
baronny: cos i know that i am young guy but i need to have someone
that i will always will to be with
baronny: well do understand me ok
baronny: cos u are not writing to me to make me happy
baronny: or u are not intreste to be my wife for the future to come
baronny: hello u there
kaleena127: sorry i went to the other room for a second
baronny: ok it ok




crazy people
2:24am: relaxed
I'm super chill right now
broke as fuck
got like 3 dollars to my name
but the most relaxed i've been in weeks
i'm so fucking mellow
watching the boys all this next up coming week
which should be the opposite of fun
the scars on my arm haven't gone away fully yet
which sucks cause the weather is super warm and i gota start pulling out the short sleeved shit
tho i dont' think i have too much in the way of summer clothes this year
and i have no moneys to change such
soooo
next week after watching the stupid boys imma fucking go up to the bus place, seemed like a waste to go up ask for info just to be like yeah i can't start next week
hopefully they'll let me do afternoons or some shit
so i can make that bread without pissing off my kinfolk
i'm fucking myself right now with my bills and cell phone and shit
but really
i could ive a fuck less at the moment
there's other shit i've got on my head
school
life
i'm gunna be 23
and still a fucking bum
gotta make that paper so i can keep it up in school
watched my friend at the gym yesterday
he is really trying so hard to lose weight
and he is already
i'm like dude i've done nothing but steadily gain weight for the last um......7 years
slowly but steadily
i'm a fat whore
so.....i've yet to change a fucking thing about it
which must mean on some level i don'tcare
oh wells
too calm to evenget upset
placid
ha

14th March 2008

8:38pm: old myspace
"He just came in here, he was yelling at me, about coffee flavored coffee, whatever the hell that is and then he call me a haiku writing mother fucker. I'm glad he's dead. I really am." - denis leary!





If you like what you've read that's too bad but still go to
my site or my pics ! :)
"Dangerous when wet"

Fill in the Bleeps yourself
Cuz yea this came to me in a dream
and i..m not rewriting it

Her jeans laid on the floor and her panties around her right ankle
she waited for him patiently as he came through his bedroom door

He had not been expecting anything from her
but she wanted to give it all to him
She walked across to him and wrapped her fingers around the end of his braids and she pulled his head back til she could reach his lips and she put them softly against hers as she whipsered "come to me"
She used her other hand to underdo his belt and pants and before he could say a word he was in his boxers
he was already there and she could feel it as she reached up to help him take his shirt off over his head
she began biting his neck and collar bone sucking on the little space in between the two
she put his fingers in her mouth as she turned around and rubbed her butt on his groin

he stood there motionless unsure of what had given rise to this occasion
she turned back to face him and began to kiss him all the way down to his cock which was poking out of his boxer by now
he watched in disbelief and she made his cock disapear into her mouth
her mouth tightened and then relaxed around his member and he tried with all his might not to just let it go
he wanted it to last as long as possible
she began to speed up her handmotions and softly stroked his balls and thighs
then she begant tofeel a slight throbbing and she stopped
She got up off her knees and walkedaway fromhim
He stood there stuck and confused for a second and with his pants around his ankles waddled over to her asshe laid waiting on the edge of the bed
She said "get down"
and he obeyed without thought
and she pulled his head into her
his tongue flickered wildly about her clit stopping occasionally to lick her lips and reach a bit more inside
her back arched
and her legs began to quiver as her grabbed his scalp and held on tight
he liked her clit and then stuck his fingers inside of her
she was pouring wet and her sweet juices swelled out of her and the aroma lingered in the air
he craved her
he wanted to put it inside of her
he wanted to thrust deep into her till she whimpered and quaked
but she instead jumped off the bed and ran over to the closet and got some scarves
she tied him up to the daybed
and covered his eyes
then she began to ride him uncontrolably
her hips seemed to move on their own and she pushed him deeper and deeper inside herself
his lips reached out and she granted them her nipples to suck
and she rose up and down on him
she could feel it coming
and he knew he couldn..t hold it for much longer
Grabbed onto his shoulder and squeezed till the skin split and he screamed out in complete and utter fullfillment
her legs trembled and ached from the effort and she fell off of him
in all her efforts to cum
her man had became loose from his binds
and he took off his blidnfold and turned her over on th bed
she was dripping and still pretty tight so he thrust straight into till he felt the back of her pussy
she moaned "i don..t think i can take anymore right now"
and he said "take it girl feel this"
she let him continue knowing that he hadn..t cum yet
and he pounded into her walls and dug deep into her like he was trying to find treasure in her pussy with his dick

her face was in the comforter
when he wrapped his fingers around her hair and pulled her back into himself further
she was shocked and moan accordingly
he felt himself coming close
she screamed a bit
and bucked a bit
but in the end she loved the dominance he held over her
he lifted her onto himself and sat down on the edge of the bed and fucked her with her legs spread open over his legs
her juices rolled down his calves
and he leaned back and held her waist as he forced it a lil deeper
he questioned" how do u like the full hood baby?"
and she whimpered, "I love it"
and he forced it harder in her
"I Love it" she exclaimed this time
and with that he felt everything rushing out of him
he held onto her making sure she could feel it too
then he was done
they laid there in bed together panting
and sweaty
and she turned to him and he was afraid she was gunna ask for another round
but instead she said to him
"so do u want sausage or bacon in the morning?"

I really appriciate art of all forms, visual, writing. I love anime! LOVE it hahaha. I am very much my own person so don't stereo....type!
.. Ninanero4ever
IM me i..m almost always on.... line

6th March 2008

1:40am: warm trickle
happiness is without
i know it's coming but i am not compelled to stop it
I can feel the hatred spread down the back of my skull
into my thoughts
into my actions
i go find my weapon of choice
thin, sliver of metal that had another purpose
it's nothingness in relative to the world is everything to me
and reflects my own self worth
i can't tear my sins from my flesh
i can't break away from my patterns
skin cleaves once again right near where it had
the scars from before just watch on as their cousins are sprung
at first just imprints on the surface
then a thin red line
then little bubbling drops fill the lines and slide gently out and down the arm
the pain is sufficient to wake me up out of my coma
the thoughtlessness of myself
enough to keep me from going further
but not enough to make me stop
or stop thinking about doing it harder, faster, deeper
deep enough to make it bleed and never stop
deep enough to effect me forever
is this the only way to change myself? because it's the most direct?
it's the easiest?
The pain does cause me to tear up, which in turn makes me cry
with a warm trickle of a line running down my arm
into a drop and onto the floor
This is ridiculous
there is no meaning in hurting oneself but i have nothing else
I have no meaning, no drive, no goals, just to live?
work to live? for what?
i can drink myself happy and die
i can smoke myself happy and die
i can eat myself happy and die
i can kill myself happy and feel nothing but the pain and have nothing but the scars of my failed attempts at hurting myself, at my own fear which keeps me from doing anything in this sad pathetic life
this sad excuse of functioning
i want for nothing now
but to sleep and not wake up
to turn into dust on my bed and feel no pain anymore
nor happiness
Is happiness worth the pain of lose after?
Can i even be happy anymore?
I want to make myself happy, i want to make those fantasy dreams i call my desires come true
but without motivation dreams are rainbows, visual, colorful circles, that can never be touched
make everything silent
make everything still
this beating heart and all the thoughts within me
beat it from my hands and drag this body away
put it in a box and put it in the ground
at least then it'll be doing something
fertilizer for the world
then maybe i can come back as a tree
and have a purpose
and a reason
to be alive
Current Mood: dead

11th February 2008

9:26am: the way things are going
I'm alone
incredibly alone
though i'm almost constantly surrounded by people i'm incredibly lonely
there's no one who wants me the way that she wants him
i wanted him
but really i don't think i want him anymore
i think i'm just stupid
he lied to me
he stole from me
but at the first sign that he's in love with someone else
not even the first sign cause i've been known
i get incredible heartache
i can't stand this
i'm a good person
i work
i go to school
i'm not a troll i don't think
and yet even he said, "why aren't you with someone?"
is this God's doing?
does he think i'm not ready for a relationship
i'm not ready for someone to stand by my side
i guess i'm not
i want to destroy myself
complete destruction of myself
i want nothing more then to be nothing
there's no feeling in me now
it took me like 3 hours to cry last night
i just couldn't bring the tears forth and then when i finally did
it wasn't a soothing cry
it was a heart broken choked up crazy angry cry
it was the sobbing of someone who's never evaluated their choices and is now regretting every step that they've taken for the last 5 to 6 years
where do i go from here?
where can i go?
i could just ball up and die
continue to come to work and pretend to not feel anything
block out all emotion in fear that i'll let my heart open too much
and let my heartt be crushed again
i feel like i have nothing but that's not true
i have enough
i have enough to survive
nothing more
because i don't work for more
i'm even doubting my ability to make photography work for me now
i'm like i'm not going to make any money doing that
i need a job where i will be getting paid
alot
and regularly
i need to beat him
i need to have a life better then his
it's a mesh of feelings in the pit of my stomach between anger, fear, jealousy and lonliness
a mash up of horrible circumstances
these feelings make me ill
and want to cry
but i can't do anything about them
i can't have these feelings
i can't continue on with these feelings for someone i told myself i never really loved
i must have really loved him at some point but everytime i get close to him i get hurt
i need to stay away from people for a while
which is hard because i need people in my life, if it's not helping me to do this, it's helping me to do that
i'm selling the grand am
for a more simple smaller more gas friendly car with hopefully less problems
I mean i'm seriously not in the mood to put money into that car just for it to die
but i guess any car could be like that
i'll just wait for my taxes
sell the red car
and get something decent
something that actually runs and doesn't overheat in two seconds
then i'll just have to get it insured and registered and shit
hopefully
fuck me
i'm also not hanging with deseon for a while
i don't have to worry about not hanging with eric
but deseon i'm just going to have to phone in my relationship with him
cause every time i'm around him it's like sex sex sex
and i really can't be bothered
i really don't want him to touch me in anyway because he doesn't love me
he's never loved me and i think that's why Jerry's trying to push me off on him
he's trying to make it seem like me and deseon are an item
he doesn't want to see me alone and hurt and longing for him anymore
i don't want to be looking for him to love me
i don't want to think the only person i've ever been completely honest with and open with and loved is him
i don't want him to be the greta love of my lifetime
why? because he loved the way i looked and made love to me like i'm the most special thing in the world
i should know better
i shouldn't let sex get in the way of my thinking
he treated me horribly, so often, breaking my things, treating my things like shit, hurting me and why? because he said he loved me to much
because he cried for me
that was years ago
that was then that's not now
i can't let soemthing that happened then affect me now
i should feel nothing for him
i should be passed him and onto the next dude
but i haven't found any guys
i'm stuck with the same two dudes since high school
i need some new people in my life
some outside influence
why can't i be civil with him and keep him at an arms length from me
i need to start clubbing or something
i need to get out and shake it somewhere
i need to have fun
preferably with at least some black people
i'm sick of going places and i'm the only black person around
it's like wtf?
where are all the black people at?
I need some black influence
maybe i'll start going to like a baptist church or something
somewhere quiet, somewhere i can just go and relax and hear the word
maybe i'll learn something
maybe i'll grow up a little bit
so sell the red car get a to and fro car and keep it moving.
first i have to get the title for the red car put in my name which i think will cost me like 50 bucks so i'll do that next week
once it's in my name i'll wait till i get my tax refund then i'll fucking call someone to come pick that shit up and take it away
then i'll use all that money, which should hopefully be about at least, 1,200 - 1,500 and then go get a little beater to keep me from having to take the bus for a while, maybe fix it up a bit and enjoy driving again
i need to do something
cause right now i'm so sad and depressed i can't stay like this for much longer.
Current Mood: distressed

16th November 2007

11:23am: fat again
well i'm extra fat again
which sucks
so now i'm going to have to spend my good hard earned money on a gym
blah
guess i'll go to golds
cause it's too cold to walk outside
guess i should stop eating all this candy as well lol
but it's so good and thanksgiving is coming up so i want to eat like a horse
damnit
oh well
I miss d haven't talked to him in a couple days
i have a gift for him and stuff
but i'm too weird about our whole situation to just go over there and drop it off or whaeva
i'm probably going to be out that way sometime this weekend
i can't wait to get home so that i can sleep for like 4 to 5 hours straight
i did some work last night on the comp which made me feel sooo good
i missed photoshopping it up
should have added some clouds to that picture...blah
oh well it still came out nice
and the cat picture is crazy cute
i need to focus on one type of art instead of being here there and everywhere
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